Bieber's Roast: Everything You Do, Don't Want to Know

Here's what they'll be talking about around the watercooler this morning
By Evann Gastaldo,  Newser Staff
Posted Mar 31, 2015 2:33 AM CDT
Bieber's Roast: Everything You Do, Don't Want to Know
In this March 14, 2015 file photo, honoree Justin Bieber arrives at the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City, Calif.   (Photo by Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP, File)

Justin Bieber's Comedy Central roast aired last night, and rather than repeat everything everyone else is saying, we've cut through the hundreds of reviews and roundups to direct you to the best ones. Your guide to what was said, and what people are saying:

  • Want to be offended? Check out the "best and nastiest" jokes about Bieber, at Heavy; Us also has a guide. Perhaps the most cringe-worthy: "If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would've Uber'd to Auschwitz."
  • Or check out the best digs at roasters Martha Stewart, Snoop, Hannibal Buress, Jeff Ross, and others at Mashable. Example: "All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time."
  • Billboard rounds up the 11 most "amazing" moments, and weighs in on the line that made "the Biebs looked like he got hit by a truck" (it involves his mom, her pregnancy with him, and a coat hanger).

  • MTV rounds up all the times (six, by its count) ex Selena Gomez got mentioned at the roast.
  • What did the critics think? Variety reviewer Brian Lowry is not impressed, quipping, "OK, we get it, Kevin Hart is short; Martha Stewart is old (and has been in prison!); Shaq is very, very big; and Bieber has been on Ellen many times, which is apparently funny because, you know, she’s a lesbian." Neither is David Hinckley at the New York Daily News: He describes it as a "smart, crisp three-minute" roast ... packaged with "two hours of meandering dirty jokes that were mostly about everyone else who surrounded him on the stage."
  • If that's enough to convince you to delete the roast from your DVR, watch these classic roasts listed at Wired instead.
  • Is he all grown-up now? He certainly seemed to want us to think he is, the Washington Post notes. But the Daily Beast doesn’t think he accomplished his goal.
(More Justin Bieber stories.)

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