Why Women Stop Pretending After 40

Ellen Scherr christens a phase of life for women in midlife that makes use of the f-word, and those who find it offensive should understand she gives not a single f-word about that. Which is kind of the point. The phase is called the "Great Unfuckening," she writes at Life Branches. It refers to the time in a woman's life accompanied by an abrupt loss of patience for people-pleasing, for suffering fools, and for social niceties. "You might think you're becoming difficult. Impatient. One of those 'bitter older women' you were warned about," she writes. Far from it, she explains: The shift is a sign of healthy brain development. The piece draws on neuroscience to explain what's going on, noting that the prefrontal cortex, which handles social behavior and impulse control, has been doing heavy lifting for decades.

For women in particular, "it's been monitoring social cues, calculating risks, suppressing authentic responses, and managing everyone else's emotional experience," writes Scherr. As people age, the brain prunes away unnecessary neural pathways, and for women, this often means a reduction in the reflex to keep everyone comfortable. Hormonal shifts, especially the decline of estrogen, also play a role, diminishing the chemical drive for social harmony. Scherr emphasizes that women feel this shift more acutely due to lifelong social conditioning to be agreeable and accommodating. The fallout can be uncomfortable: Bluntness that passes as "no-nonsense" in men is often labeled "abrasive" in women past 40. Scherr sees it as "aging out of f--ks."

Relationships—personal and professional—may fray when the expected "emotional labor" is no longer offered. The upside is that it may result in more authentic relationships. Ultimately, Scherr frames this new directness as liberation, not decline: "You're not becoming difficult. You're becoming free." Read the full piece.