If Barack Wrote a Holiday Card...

Not on Barack Obama’s Christmas card list? Don’t worry; Slate snuck into the Oval Office Salahi-style and made off with a copy...or something like that. But the card doesn’t mention politics at all—just family stuff like their new dog. “Bo turns out to be pretty selfish,” they write. “He’ll lick your face one minute and then go pee on the rug. He just needs to learn that some things are more important than getting re-elected senator in Connecticut. Also, he humped John McCain’s leg.”

Another momentous event: Malia was named valedictorian of her high school! “There was some controversy, since Malia is in the sixth grade,” but she sheepishly accepted it anyway, giving “a rousing speech defending her history of flunking World Civ and getting in fights with classmates.” And Michelle and Barack? “We’re doing great. We don’t always agree on things, but unlike some people, we always reach a compromise.” It’s a beautiful thing, compromise. Just ask Mitch McConnell. (More Obama family stories.)