Your Won't Keep Those Resolutions: Try These Instead

Gawker knows you can’t keep those virtuous New Year’s resolutions, so it’s come up with some substitutions. They won’t make you “a better person,” but are at least achievable. Herewith, from Brian Boylan:

• Lose weight: That's too hard; "we live in a fat world." Instead, bulk up, "get on The Biggest Loser," and voila! "Fame, fortune, and a trainer to help you lose all the weight."
• Quit smoking: Also too hard. "Get one of those electronic cigarettes," and then you can "smoke" inside.

• Get a job: Very hard. Just scam unemployment, and then you can go to movies on "Wednesday afternoon" with all the other cool, unemployed people.
• Spend more time with family: Bad move. Stop working 60 hours a week and one of those unemployed movie-watchers will take your job. "Redecorate your office" instead, with a "doggie bed under your desk" perfect for "crying in the fetal position."
• Stop drinking: For "idiots." Just cure cirrhosis of the liver, and Gawker will buy you a shot.
• Get married: Impossible. "You're not that desirable." Turn gay.

For more, click here.
(More New Year's resolutions stories.)