Mark Travers is a psychologist who works with couples, and as he writes for CNBC, the relationships he sees fall apart don't disintegrate overnight—instead, it's typically more like a death by a thousand cuts, or "small missteps that quietly accumulate," including comments made during arguments. In fact, Travers says there's one six-word phrase in particular that's "more damaging than you think": the old "Why can't you be more like [insert person's name here]" jab. According to Travers, that comparison is a "toxic" remark that sends the demoralizing message of "You're not enough"—even if the person the subject is being compared to is a past version of themselves.
Travers says the person caught uttering this phrase is often afraid to speak up about what's really bothering them, which then simmers and festers. "Rather than just saying outright, 'I feel disconnected when we don't spend quality time together,' they compartmentalize it," Travers notes. "These moments only pile up over time, until the day comes that they inexplicably blurt out something like, 'Why can't you be more like Sarah's husband? He actually plans dates.'" Such an outburst doesn't even necessarily mean that the person saying it isn't into their partner—it just means they may not feel safe enough to communicate their needs in a more constructive way.
Travers suggests paying attention to whether you do this yourself, and to backtrack if you catch yourself in the act and reframe your words in a less accusatory way. "It would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling," for instance, could go a longer way than "Why can't you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things." "This makes them bids for connection, instead of a sweeping accusation of failure," Travers writes.
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Psychology Today notes that "why can't you be more like..." when uttered by a parent to a child can be similarly harmful. CNBC and Marriage.com, meanwhile, feature more "toxic" phrases that could spell impending doom for relationships, including three that are just a single word long; see if you can guess what they are. (More relationships stories.)
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