Colbert Ends Fake White House Bid

Stephen Colbert was proud of the 1% of the vote proxy Herman Cain earned in the South Carolina primary—"Eat it 'others' and 'statistical anomalies!" he declared triumphantly on last night's Colbert Report. "We made it to integers!" But it wasn't enough to keep him in the race. "It is with a heavy heart and a spastic colon that I am re-suspending Herman Cain's suspended campaign," he announced.

"Also, I am hereby ending my exploratory committee to run for President of the United States of South Carolina." What's next for Colbert? "Maybe I'll be like Herman Cain and hit the road in a bus with my face on it," he mused. After all, he should have a bunch of super PAC money to blow now that he's no longer running, right? Wrong. Jon Stewart double-crossed his pal, flying off with the super PAC dough in a poorly animated Zeppelin. (More Stephen Colbert stories.)